The Beauty of Waiting On God
I wrote this blog for friend for her blog leading up to her book launch! I wanted to share this with you as I close out 2020!
Many of us when everything around us seems to falling apart much like 2020. Want a hurry up and fix this quickly Jesus fix! We are all guilty of that at some time in our lives. After all we are human and we desire good things over the rocky mountain climb.
However sometimes when we rush things we miss the beauty and growth. That takes place in the waiting. I write this from a first hand experience. I would like to share straight from my heart about a journey of waiting that still has not ended! I promise it's laced with grace, hope, and beauty.
So grab your favorite warm drink and join me while I share what God has for you to hear.
Five years ago on March first. I checked into a local surgical center to have a arthroscopy on my right knee for a torn meniscus tear. I had slid in a mud puddle taking the trash can to the road the day after Christmas. I did a double flip it wasn't a pretty sight lol. It should have been such a easy surgery and recovery! I should have walked out not needing my crutches. That was not what happened though. About ten minutes into the procedure I aspirated stomach acid into the base of my left lung. This caused a injury to the lining of my heart as well.I would not learn that till the next day. I was rushed to the local hospital to be admitted for observation.I not only had a bum knee. Now I have chemical pneumonia and pericarditis of the heart. Pericarditis is caused when fluid or blood build between the sac around the heart and the muscle. This can lead to restriction of how the heart beats and the blood flows. I spent seven days in the hospital. Sent home way worse than I did when I arrived. I was not able to take more than ten steps due to not being able to breathe. I had went from Active wife, mom, pastors wife, and children's church administrator. Completely dependent on someone helping me do everything. Spending my time on my chase that I am writing to you from today! This went on for a little over a month and I had to be hospitalized on April seventeenth I had my first major heart surgery. This was to drain the fluid by cutting a square in the heart to drain the fluid that was keeping my heart from pumping properly. They drained what would equivalent to three two liter drinks of fluid off my heart. The same week I had the heart surgery I was scheduled to attend the Women Of Joy conference in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee. I attended two days after being released. God would not allow me to backout. I was blessed so very much by attending. It was there when God whispered to my heart... While Natalie Grant was singing clean. Daddy whispered to my heart daughter hold on because for now my answer is no. I remember setting there worshiping in my wheelchair tears streaming down my face. Telling my Daddy I would trust Him use me for others to see Him! Five months later I would be transported from local hospital to one of the larger hospital in Charlotte. I would have a thoracotomy to have major heart and lungs surgery! My whole world had totally been rocked once again. I have yet to totally recover from all of this. Since along the way we found out I had SLE Lupus and it was now attacking my heart and lungs. My body was fighting to kill itself. There is something about loosing all that you once knew as normal. When you spend time setting, you have more time to focus on things we often neglect with the hustle and the bustle of the day. I found spending the quiet early mornings with my Daddy was my favorite time of the day. I found that I couldn't wait to pick up my Bible to study the book of Psalm. David's life seemed so much like mine in a many ways. I couldn't wait to see how God showed up for David next. Each battle David fought his Daddy was there and even though sometimes those answered prayers came in time and guess what it wasn't Davids time it was his heavenly Daddy's time!
I remember clearly crying because I couldn't go to church! I was too sick to be in crowds yet my heart longed for the fellowship, worship, and being fed God's Word in person. The first Sunday I got to attend I remember going to my closet to find something to wear. Months of wearing pj's and lounge clothes it would feel good to dress cute again. I remember picking it my outfit so excited to get dressed up to find the next four outfits I chose not longer fit! I remember setting in my floor of my closet with tears in my eyes, telling my Daddy it didn't matter if I had to wear my PJ's to church! Nothing was going to stop me from going! It wasn't about what I wore! I wasn't going to be seen. I was going to worship Him and I would choose joy in this season! It's a privilege denied to many! I didn't want something like a size to ruin that for me! That was a huge thing for me! growing up till I had my first daughter. I had struggled with a eating disorder! Now to say it's just a tag is huge for someone who has gained quite a bit of weight due to my daily medicines! My Daddy reminded me, I am fearfully and wonderfully made in His image! He loved His creation, He was not taken back by a change in sizes! He loved me for me His daughter and He thinks I am beautiful even when I can not see it for myself! Choosing joy in a season of pain is not always as easy as it sounds! It has to be a choice we make when we open our eyes each and every morning! There are and will be days that make it harder to choose but again it is a choice! How we see thing and try to find the good even in the hard! A year or so back I spent 26 days in the hospital! Just to be told what we already knew! How ever I lost my mobility! I came home with a walker and needed a wheelchair if it was going to be a long distance walk to get there. I wasn't sure how I felt about either at first. I prayed and asked my Daddy to please not to let these things be permanent! I worked with kids and I didn't want them to be scared or worried! I already knew they were upset because I had to be out for being sick again. Instead of Him changing my situation He showed me ways to be my eccentric self with them and make them look less scary! So I wrapped feather boas around my walker and I painted the back of my wheelchair with polka dots and a flamingo. I painted I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me! I absolutely can do that and more when He is on my side and allow Him to lead each and everything I do! The kids I worked with loved it! It helped them to feel comfortable to ask questions! It have them hope that things would get better! They prayed for me all the time! It taught them what is was like to have faith and God's timing was not always ours! You learn who your true friends are as well when you have a life altering disease. It's hard for some to stick around when you can't no longer do a lot of the things you did before. God taught me through the heart breaking times of truth, that a true friend loves at all times! Not just when it's convenient for them. It's the ones who come set beside your bed and has tea with you and is okay to to just hang out and talk and is not affected by the fact if you go to the American Girl store together we are going to need to take a wheelchair. Instead she makes you feel like you are still you even though you have really lost so much! That is when you are so very thankful for the true friends and not the fly by night friends! God will give you what you need trust Him in finding that for you! When you are faced with a unmovable mountain. There is really only two choices in our attitudes. We can choose joy, hope , bitterness, or anger! I choose joy and hope! I see things so much differently that I once in my life! Crazy thing is this is not my first devastating event in my life! However this has been the most life changing other than the day I gave my heart to Jesus! My home is much different now! My family has been just as affected as I have. They have chosen to be hopeful and joy filled through this season as well. Things will never be as they were before my fall! Because we have changed hearts. We see the beauty of a evening setting on our patio watching the rabbits and birds. Time setting around the dinner table laughing and enjoying each other company!We have found that the more we keep our hearts and eyes centered on Jesus a healing and changing takes place that is like no other. It's not a physical healing. Rather a healing of the heart. It renews our hope each and everyday for what stands before us!
I have been asked many times if I change any one thing or all of it. What would I change and why? My answer is always the same! I would not change nothing! I would rather have this life than the speed of lighting life I led before! I know that sounds insane. Yet my heart truly is filled with Thanksgiving of the littlest things to the major thing! Thing is I think I missed those things before because I was so busy doing. This new life of mine requires lots of slow days that require me to slow down and hold myself accountable for how I take on each new day! The waiting showed me beauty in the littlest things! Most of all I have the best relationship I have ever had with my heavenly Daddy and that is the most important thing ever!
In closing this year has been one of our hardest. I have been in and out of the hospital. about two weeks ago I had to be taken because my breathing had gotten so bad I could hardly walk 10 steps and I would be out of breath so badly I was gasping for air. I and to admitted and again transferred to a larger hospital! Two echo's of my heart showed pericardial restriction. Another major heart surgery may be inevitable. This surgery was very risky and dangerous! The recovery time would be grueling. It's a rare surgery not performed unless it is a last resort! We reached out for people to pray! The response was overwhelming the people I didn't even know lifting me up in prayers! I know that those prayers were heard because when the cardiac MRI was ran all they found was a pericardial effusion! You are talking about a thankful girl! I was beyond happy and blessed! My Daddy had touched my heart and taken that away! I can almost tell you when! Because the night before the echo I was awake and I had been praying and I felt something in the way my heart was being change! I never thought anything of it till now! I know that was my Daddy's touch! All though He said yes to that request! There was still a no coming. I still came home running unusually high fevers and oxygen. The answer was still clear no for now as I sat there as they explained everything to me I feel the tears well up in my eyes.I wasn't mad or hurt. I was thankful because it could have been so much worse! Now we start again with another new for our lives! When gathered around the table with our girls, for Thanksgiving. We all agreed all though 2020 has been different but we were blessed! We are still here to celebrate each other, Jesus's Grace was so undeniably good, our family grew by two my oldest and her husband won custody of our first grandson they had been fostering for a year and she gave birth to a beautiful new baby boy! Our youngest is healthy and incredibly talented in arts! We both still have our parents and many can not say that! We have so much to thank Him for there is no time to be anything but joyful and grateful!
If you find yourself in waiting in the hallway needing a answer or even healing.
Praise Him in the hallway! Find joy in the process even on your hardest days! Because I promise you my friend someone is praying for what you have believe it or not! Don't let satan sneak in and tell you lies that make you bitter.
Someone is watching you I am sure of it! They are watching and listening to how you are handling what has been put in your path! What do they see? Can they see the beauty of Jesus in His child who no matter what wants others to see him through her. Or are they seeing the wordley outlook of anger and bitterness. My friend life is to short to spend your days like that! I again would not change a thing! I have learned to live intentionally! I don't need to have makeup on to go out or have guest. My house doesn't need to be cleaned to the point it looks like a museum. Make the memories and make them count. After all there is beauty in waiting when you allow God to be the center of it all!
Just as we thought that we had found a place of waiting. The battle was just beginning! On December third our whole world would be turned upside down!
I was taken back to the hospital about two weeks after being home from being in the hospital for my heart. I have a rare virus for adults called CMV ! It wrecked my organs! Because I have Lupus and I take immune suppressant's it allowed the virus to attack most of my major organs! I was very sick and several times was very unsure if I was going to make it... My spleen is enlarged , my liver inflamed and enlarged, I have two spots on my lung, it caused ulcerative colitis and shredded my colen. I am still battling fevers and I can only eat soft foods meat is not an option right now! We were told I had a long recovery ahead of me and I believe that with everything in me! Again I am waiting and I chose to wait for Him with joy! Even though it means because I have no immune system right now I really have to close in my circle of people I can be around! Means those who live with me and Amber and her family. As hard as it is for me to tell my sweet Momma she can't come I know it is what I have to do! It is in those moments I am also thankful for FaceTime it may not be the same but at least I can see her when I talk to her or my friends as well!
Waiting can be hard 2020 has been hard! When I was in the hospital I could see how worn down tired and hungry my nurses were! The hospital was at capacity and was filled with Covid patients on every floor but one! All though they were bone tired! Hungry because they worked through lunch to see to that their patients needs were met! It was met with joy! They chose to be kind and happy when in all honesty if they weren't they had every right they were stretched to their limit!
Pray for our medical staff at the hospital! They are caring for someone's loved one! Maybe it's your loved one! They go home every night praying they did not take anything home to their families! They are waiting as well for the cure or a vaccine something to make patients better so they can back home to their loved ones!
There can always be beauty found in waiting! Always when we choose to keep our eyes on Jesus and chose joy no matter how we feel or what we are facing! You will find gracelaced right in there to help you along! I pray Your 2021 is filled with blessings, love, and lots of joy!
Thank you for allowing me to share the beauty in waiting!