lost and found

 

Hello again ...

It has been quite some time since I even cracked my laptop to even write anything.

My heart hasn't been in it and I am not one who will force something. I want whatever I share here to be from the heart and authentic.

I am glad I took the time to step away and examine myself and find what I felt I had lost in myself.

I have learned as I searched, prayed, cried, and even screamed into my pillow!  learned that what was missing was me, who did not care what others thought of her. The authentic me. The authentic me God made me without mistakes or second thoughts.

I realized I had allowed fear to paralyze me. 

To keep me from embracing all the things I had fought so hard to truly embrace!

An authentic God-fearing woman who dares to stand out! To fight even more challenging for what I believe in than ever before.

My amazing husband isn't just my husband he's my pastor as well! On mothers day he preached the most amazing eye-opening sermon, I have needed for some time now! Reminding me I am not just anyone... Rather I am and get to be fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of my Daddy! This is an honor because my Daddy is Father God! 

How I lost sight of that I am truly ashamed because I am so unsure!

However stepping away and taking time to pray, cry, and argue it out within me was just what I needed! It helped me to focus on those things. To allow me to see a glimpse of what my Daddy sees when He looks at His creation!

He sees a daughter that He poured His very best into to reach the world for Him! I want to fulfill that on every level, platform, and social outlet He opens for me to use!

Beauty is not just marked by what the eye beholds when it looks in the mirror. Beauty is marked by the kindness that leaves the lips to build someone up who is having trouble finding stable ground.

Beauty is the extended hand to make the person who feels like a misfit feel like they belong. Because no one should be made to feel they are unwanted.

So how do we begin to retrain the heart and the mind satan has worked so hard to make her believe she was anything but what her Daddy said.

I began spending extra time in His Word! Reading familiar scriptures.

I spent time claiming and receiving those truths!

I spent time reminding myself I was born to stand out and be different to embrace those things that make me. Quit fighting against them trying to fit into a box I was never meant to fit inside of. If those who love me can not accept the things that make me all these things God created me to be. The problem lies with them not me.

It is okay not to receive what they speak over you! it doesn't make you hateful or disrespectful.

It makes you confident in the amazing person He's made you be! 

I had to fall in love with me all over again. I had to not look at a size or even think about the number on the scale Because those are not the things that make me beautiful. However, I need to love the curves I see. The strong body that has fought for me is strong and empowering. Each scar should be worn with honor as a medal because it shows the strength it fought and added to my battle cry to share all the Lord has done just for me.

He showed me that it's important not to be scared to share my story! It may save someone else from going through what I did. It may help them to tell and stop the abuse that may be happening.

When we take the time away and allow healing to take place in the deep broken apart scabs that are oozing. We allow the Word of God, His promises, and His love to fill the cracks and wounds.

His healing will shine through those cuts and His healing for you will also bring healing for others!

As I allowed myself to heal and let go of words others have said, events that robbed me of feeling loved and not good enough. Made me feel worthless....

I began to feel the healing of parts of me that I had blocked off-put chains around and dug a moat. To keep people out and also to prevent me from dealing with them.

I have never felt so light when it took place and each day a little, more each time I spend time with Him. Each time I talk to Him I can feel Him wrapping me up in His arms whispering to His daughter. All the things He created me to be and the things I am supposed to do!

It has been such a beautiful thing to just let it go! 

Also to accept things aren't always going to go how I want. I am teaching myself, that I can be happy and love someone with all that I am. Even if we can't come to an agreement. It's okay to feel differently from what someone else may think>. It can be empowering if we allow it, for the is, simple reason that it will help us grow if we allow it.

Just the other night as I was praying My Daddy reminded me of Esther 4:14 I was created for such a time as this! 

I am so thankful for this time to do all the things He laid on my heart!

Because after all, I want to please Him above all! 

Also, I am fearfully and wonderfully made! I am more than the number on a scale more than the curves I have embraced! 

I am worth the hard work to do the hard work to be the happiest I can be! I am worthy to advocate for a cure!

Before I begin to close this entry, let me share some of May's happenings with you!

So you can see how good our Daddy is to me!

 May is one of my favorite months of the year! It has so many things to be celebrated.

The biggest celebration is our wedding anniversary! We celebrated 28 years on the 21st. 

The crazy thing is we had covid. our day consisted of having dinner brought in and watching movies all day.

As crazy as this is going to sound, it is one of my favorite celebrations to date. 

Mainly because it was low-key. Also, the past 6 years have been so trying. Having a lupus diagnosis has brought a lot of unexpected to our lives. Making some genuine strains on our marriage.

We have been working very hard on ourselves! We have come so far and grown in many ways. Opening up new areas of trust and a stronger love for one another!

Covid was a huge thing for me. the person who has been by my side through everything. was so sick, I watched him sleep because I was worried it may take him away from me! That was not okay, I spent many hours praying over him! I knew he was very sick, but I also knew we served a God who was in the healing business, and my faith and hope were in what I knew He would do!

I was given a medicine to lessen my symptoms and try to protect my already sick lungs. My precious husband was battling this without the help of an anti-viral. 

So our simple celebration may not have been what most would think you celebrate 28 years!

I can say for us it was a perfect celebration of us and the healing God was doing in our very tired bodies!

I want to say this about my husband! I am so thankful for each day we have! He has been my best friend, lover, comforter, daddy to our beautiful kids, and Pappa JoJo to our grandbabies, he's been, my nurse and caregiver, spiritual leader, and he's for sure my king charming and all I need!

I can't wait to celebrate the next 28 yrs together!

May also brought Mother's day, which is such a precious holiday! To celebrate our Momma's but also being Mom! My Mom is a lung cancer survivor and was told at the time of diagnosis they didn't expect her to live past six months. God has given her the past ten years! So to have each bonus year to celebrate her is such a blessing!

celebrating each year I was blessed to be a mom I don't take for granted. I know so many who just love to have a child of their own. Or they have lost their child! She may have the title but there is a hole in her heart that makes celebrating very difficult! Being a Mom is the most precious gift! I am so thankful my Daddy allowed me to have the gift of motherhood! 

So when our family came together this year we made sure we got a group picture! knowing that time and health is a precious gifts that should be worn and celebrated like a precious jeweled crown! 

Also, May is Lupus awareness month! 

For some, this is only for the month. For others like me, it is 365 days a year! Because for me I am my best advocate. I know what I am feeling. All though ii have had a great team of doctors over the past six years. there has been more than one time. I have been correct and they were wrong. If I had not kept pushing I would not be here today!

So I have set a goal to be a lupus advocate! 

I want to keep those around me informed about this disease. I meet so many who have no idea what this disease is and that there is no cure. No two people have the same symptoms. No two people feel the same or need all the same meds. some only take three to four meds. I on the other hand take 24 pills to get to start each day! Yes, each is very needed and yes each has a different job and is what is keeping me here. 

I pray each and every day for a cure to this devastating disease. Lupus has affected my major organs. It continues to change my life every day.

It changed how I live life. Changed the way that I love and want to be loved...

When you have almost lost your life as many years as you have had lupus. You look at the world much differently. 

It makes you look at each day as a gift waiting to be unwrapped! 

The last reason May is my favorite month! Our first grandbaby celebrated his 3rd birthday at the beginning of the month!

This sweet most amazing boy was the first to make Granny and has stolen my heart and has me wrapped very tight around his pinky! I would have it no other way!

Due to special circumstances, I won't post his pictures today! However I can say this, he is the cutest thing ever!

If you have hung in there and read all of this thank you so much! I promise to be more active here again! Also to announce a new and 

exciting journey soon! I hope that each of you knows you're beautiful and loved for exactly how God created you!

He makes no mistakes He just loves us with the perfection He poured into all of us! 

Thank you for stopping by and sharing a part of your day with me! Time is precious the fact you were willing to spend some time with me. Over joys my heart to have you here!

I hope you know I am praying for you always!

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Until next time< I hope you will be walking in the footsteps of grace with Jesus and me!

Prayerfully  Yours,

~Shellie~