Changing How I Talk To Myself

 

Have you ever felt like you were in one of the darkest moments? That you kinda feel like the dirt piling up around you will suffocate you before you make it to the surface to find air? I know I have been!   

Ya know when you are in the dirt we are so focused on what we are covered up in we forget that there is something blooming up at the surface.

It may be the most beautiful rare flower with the most amazing aroma. That it attracts butterflies and bees and it looks like it grew right out of a Disney fairytale.

Noone who is standing around admiring it is talking about how in its darkest days as it started out like a seed. that the first time it was watered it was terrified something was trying to kill it death by drowning! Or when it started to sprout it hated how skinny its vines were. They were nowhere strong enough to make it to the top it was going to die in the dark and never see the light!

Noone shared with the flower that one day when the person who sings to it and talks to it with such lovely words. Is adding special plant food to help it grow stronger, to also help it have radiant petals and longer bloom life! Nope it thought the stuff being added to the water was poison for sure that it would just make it to the surface and before it would crack the surface you would shrivel up

at the very first sight of light.

So the beautiful flower lived in fear of chaos she had talked to herself about each day. She almost missed out on the beauty above the surface after the trial.

The week before I had covid I read a book called the placebo effect. It was basically teaching you how you talk to yourself affects how your body heals and handles things. That also includes sickness and how we view ourselves.

I have learned recently that it isn't only our voice that we hear play over and over in our minds. I have realized that I have the power to turn those voices on and off. I am learning I have the power of what feeds into my heart and mind. 

I don't think we ever really consider what words can do to someone! It can either build them up or tear them completely down. Or better yet it can chip away at all the hard work that they have put in over the years because someone they love said something that they could not turn off. 

I have been on all of those sides of the spectrum. I am learning to silence what is not productive or building me up.

Not giving the things in my mind that go against what I need to be me and happy! It's so important to water and feeds the good!

Kill off the bad before it ever takes root.

You know if the flower had a buddy down there with them. that was encouraging her. Tell her about how the dirt is enriched with things that they need to grow healthy and strong! and that the water was there to help it grow strong so when it reaches the surface it can push through and continue to grow and bloom.

What if she is explained that the food in the water isn't poison! Instead, it is there to give them nutrients they need to grow from that it's gonna take that stem from skinny to pump!

That is when she reached the top of the soil! She would be able to push through and the sunshine would feel amazing! That when she spent a few days in the sun with proper food and water she would thrive! She would bloom and grow into the most beautiful flower in the garden!

Do you see the difference?

Each scenario is very true! We have to really examine how we are going to allow others and ourselves to speak to us and make us feel. I really had to examine myself and the things that were feeding my mind. 

I needed to be able to look into the mirror and love the one that was staring right back at me. 

The body is courageously strong and has done incredibly hard things. Survived things most wouldn't have.

It's okay to love the imperfect girl in the mirror!

It was okay to remember that God created our bodies to change and to age and that is okay!

I decided recently I needed to focus on my walk with my Daddy, Pouring into my marriage, writing, self-love, watching my grandbabies grow seeing my kids be happy, and more than anything falling in love with things that bring me joy!

There have been few things that bring such joy! Lupus has found a way to spoil the simplest things!

So let's start with the number five on my focus list!

I stumbled into a beautiful hobby over the years.

One I had actually almost refused to have anything to with because of a broken heart.

However, who knew a reborn doll could bring so much comfort on days that pain is its highest.

She has her own bag she travels in and goes most places I go! I am not afraid to carry her around! She helps with anxiety and helps to make me feel calm when I feel as if I can jump out of my skin. I am so grateful that I allowed myself to open up to such a beautiful hobby!

The sweet little blonde hair girl who stole my heart last year has been a God send! We all have things in our life that bring us peace and comfort! Some lie to write, read, snuggle a blanket, break dishes, throw axes, and the list could go on!

All of these things can bring the very same joy my reborn brings! Please think before you speak or judge! Because your words could totally devastate me! Or others who participate in the same hobby!

Meet Delaney Marie! 

I am sure that she won't be my last but for now, she has my whole heart!

This past weekend I was able to bring two things I love and bring me so much joy together!

I have been part of an amazing group with some wonderful ladies who went from friends to sisters who enjoy the same thing I love!

I opened my home for our very first NC Reborn Family tea party.

I loved every moment it took to plan each and every detail!

From the menu down to the spoons on the tables! Making sure everything was perfect! 

I wanted the afternoon to be perfect! 

To meet beautiful people who until now I had only known through a computer screen!

It turned out so much better than I could ever imagine! 

To put a real face in person, not on a computer.

Meant an afternoon of pure friendship! Laughter and making plans for the future!

I am learning that one of the things that help me to deal with all that comes with lupus. I need to allow things that bring me great joy to have a place in my life!

So I have made a list of 5 things I have to incorporate into my life! That I refuse to let lupus steal from me! These are things for me, not others! All though it does include others! 

We all should have a happy list!

I am super happy to have others in my life who love the same things I do! That I can share my hobbies with! 

Because self-care is not a selfish act! It's the exact opposite! It is absolutely needed in order to live a healthy life both mentally and physically! 

Most reborn collectors deal with anxiety, depression, loss of a child, unable to have children, or deal with chronic pain like I do! 

This hobby can seem taboo. But it doesn't have to be. If you understand why it's so important to the ladies who have them.

Including me. It can be a beautiful thing! It also helps the person who has them feel loved and supported! You may find you might want one! You never know they can be so much fun! 

So when you see me or these beautiful ladies above with our babies out in public! We aren't weird. We are dealing with things most never understand!

We desire your love and support!

This hobby makes going out more relaxed for people like me! IT KEEPS ME RELAXED AND HELPS ME STAY CALM DURING HIGH PAIN DAYS AND HIGH ANXIETY! The most beautiful thing, my family and friends understand and accept and support my hobby!  

This means so much to me!

Tea parties bring me so much joy! To this point, I plan to open a tea party by reservation service! I am so excited to bring this to life! It has been a lifelong dream of mine to bring this to life! 

Please pray for me as this is something that brings me so much joy and happiness!

I hope I can have this up and going by the end of the year!

Number four on my list is, self-love! This has been hard for me this year! I fell into a trap that made me believe, I was unwanted, no longer pretty, I allowed myself to not listen to the truths I speak about! I was upset about my weight and how much my body changed!. I even thought that I was useless and no longer needed here! I was a burden to all those I loved. I didn't know how to shut these things off! It had been years since I was in such a low place! 

No matter how many times I prayed or read a devotion spent time in the Word. I still walked away with a feeling of unworthiness! 

I just know the enemy was having the time of his life with this! He could not have me but he sure was having fun destroying me. It allowed me to go down rabbit holes I would have never gone before! All because I felt worthless. In my marriage, my family, my friends, my church family, and my ministry. 

No one likes to admit that we go through things like this!

We like to a fake smile on and pretend we are fine when we really need someone to throw us a life jacket and engulf us in a hug and let us cry! Let us cry for however long we need!

To help heal what was really truly broken! I would have been totally happy if my Daddy called me home! 

I truly felt this would be what was best for those I love! 

Now I see it was just a lie from the enemy!

So I have self-affirmations all over my bathroom!

That is where I get dressed and see myself in my birthday suit. I see the scars and the effects medicines and lupus has had on my body! The affirmations are reminders of all the things I am including beautiful no matter my clothes tag size, bald hair, or growing out hair, with or without make-up, I am not the words or things people made feel I am and whether they meant it or not! 

 I want to be able to read these things every time I walk into my bathroom! these affirmations are in several areas of my Disney Princess-themed bathroom!

But I don't only have them there, I have them in my sewing and doll room! I have them in my kitchen as well! 

How I talk to myself is a big deal! If I believe the enemy. I am too fat to be considered pretty, I am worthless and dumb, I can't do anything because of the meds I take, and can't be trusted to be by myself with children! My husband no longer is attracted to me or thinks of me in the ways husbands do. Because I was not attractive. I felt like I was just a shell of the woman I used to be! 

Those are all lies! Because I am made in the very image of my Daddy! When I think of myself as ugly. I m saying He's ugly! I can promise He is anything but ugly!

I am smart I can do hard things! I may be slower than I once was but I am capable to do hard things!

I may not be able to keep my boys by myself. It however is not a punishment or to make me feel worthless. It is so if crash I have someone to step in and take over! It is also on Days like a few Sundays ago  that chest pain caused me to leave 10 minutes into service! I was able to come home but what if I would have an episode like that and I would have needed to go to the ER! 

Satan has me convinced I would never get to be the Granny I desire to be! 

That is a big fat lie! However, that lie has led my Daddy to send several people to reach out to us with options to help restore strength, and help me find some normalcy! Help to be able to reign in my weight so I won't become a diabetic! 

Also so I feel more like me in the body I have been given!

I realize I am not supposed to look 105-pound teenage Shellie! My body is meant to change. I can't wait for grey hair actually I hope it turns white!!!

I need the steroids I take daily and have for the past 6 years! The weight is something I can not control! 

But I do want to be comfortable in the skin I am in! I want to look in the mirror and feel good about what I see and love myself. I have had to give the same speech to myself I have given to the girls over the years many many times recently! 

So when I look in the mirror and see myself there I tell myself I love her 3 times each time! 

I learned a long time ago you can not fully love anyone else till you can too love yourself!

I need to have grace for myself! It's okay to fall down! I have to make sure I get right back up! 

So It is truly important for me to come up with a self-care plan for me!

If I have one and I am following it, I can set time aside daily to do things that are good for me. That helps me to be me and to feel good being me no matter what! 

My self-worth can never be found in others or their words!

It's found in me and how I talk to myself! 

I want to set the example for others to follow! So if I am going to do that! I have to be on top of my game and talk to myself with love and so much grace!

Number 3 on my list is watching and helping my children build happy lives and being the best Granny I can be! 

My oldest and her husband are opening a children's boutique! I am so happy for them! This was a dream of theirs that they are putting into action! They are actively working on their shop readying it to open in late July! All though it has its highs and lows my heart soars seeing them bringing such an awesome dream into action! On top of bringing their dream into action, they are raising the most precious boys! I may be a little biased but they are the cutest things ever and I love to watch them! 

They are expecting their third in September! I am so excited about this new little life! To watch them grow and keep up with his brothers!

To see their curiosities about things and doing things together brings my heart so so much joy! I have not been able to be the Granny I an always envisioned I would be....

It's actually nothing like I thought it would be. I am learning to be okay with that! I don't have to be super Granny but making the most of the moments I have with them is what is most important!

One day those moments I hope are some of their favorite memories with me!

My youngest is still navigating young adulthood! I want nothing but happiness for her! She came out to us last year around October I believe that she was gay.

I won't lie this was hard because it isn't what I had envisioned for her! It doesn't change how much we love or accept her! Here is the thing there are so many out there to judge! As her parent, it's my place to love her no matter what and that is the mom I want to be!

I want to see her happy and smiling living her dream life! All Mommas do! So for me, it's one of those things when I know these people I helped create loved and cared for and cared for! When they are happy. My Momma's heart is happy! 

As a Momma I just want my babies to have all their dreams come true and truly be happy! What matters most to me is my Daddy chose me to be these beautiful humans to my babies and grandbabies! I would not have it no other way! I chose to love and sing of the praises of watching them and finding joy!

Number two on my list is pouring into my marriage!

We can get so wrapped up in what we read and see on tv. Or even what we envision in our head's marriage be we sometimes create a fairytale that is unrealistic!

Have you ever heard the grass is not always greener on the other side? The reason it may seem greener is because it is set on a septic tank!

Jody and I have been married for 28 years! This year I have been in such a place that I was so hard on myself I had told and perceived things that I should have asked about instead of stewing!

So I felt he didn't find me attractive and that I was fat. I felt like a huge burden, I was always sick and I hated that! Because no one wants to feel like they are the cause of someone's frustrations. when all the while there were frustrations that were real. They were not really geared at me. However, some of the things I was feeling were real. 

I have learned over the years anything worth having is worth fighting for! Sometimes that looks different for everyone! For me, it was more about communication and the energy I was allowing myself to put out there! Yes, I can control that I can choose positive or negative! Again this goes back to how I speak to myself! It also goes back to the vibe I put off to my husband! If I go around constantly saying I am so fat and so ugly eventually he is going to believe it with me! What I have come to realize men like confident women! A woman who knows her worth! 

They like a woman who is comfortable being her knowing he won the lottery when he took you to be his!

I know that sounds crazy! But it's so true! Try being more confident and showing your man the best thing that happened to him other than Jesus! Watch and see the changes! Also, talk to your Daddy about your marriage! Let Him fix what you can not He can always fertilize the grass you have already planted and make it the pretty greenest there is with beautiful flowers and butterflies and birds!

It's worth the extra work! Because when you know that you were created just for him! You will do crazy things to get his attention! But the best way to get his attention is through our Daddy!

My Number one on the list is my relationship with my Daddy! 

All is right in the world when I tentatively work on my relationship with Him! When I spend time in the Word, start my day in it listening to praise and worship! I know that my day is going to go so much better! When I keep him in every aspect of my day good or bad knowing He has full control! My day is so much better because I know no matter what He is in control! at the end of the day, His will is going to play out and He is going to right there walk beside me or even carry me because His girl doesn't have the strength to walk without Him anymore!

Having Jesus in my heart is by far the best decision I ever made sixteen-year-old Shellie was in her bedroom scared to death she was going to die that day! All I wanted to know is I was going to wake up in his arms!

Today I know one day that promise will be true! That He loves me unconditionally! He loves me for me and nothing is ever going to change that! So it was absolutely time to take back the control the enemy thought he had over me! Remind me who really is by my side fighting for his girl each and every day!

 These things are my top five things that bring me joy! It is one of those things that sometimes we have to really re-evaluate how we see ourselves!

To take back all that enemy is trying to steal because at the end of the day! 

I am His! He thinks His girl is beautiful inside and out!

The battle has just begun with lupus! I know My Daddy will have the last say! That's all that truly matters!

At the end of each day tell yourself you are proud of yourself and the things that make you who you are! Know your worth and never let anyone second guess that! 

I promise you your Daddy knows and He's up in heaven saying that's my girl right there!

It's okay to get into a slump the most important thing is to get out of it not to let it steal your joy or destroy your worth given to you!!!

by your Daddy!

 

Keep in mind as we navigate from here that we always remember the thought below

Thank you for stopping by and sharing a part of your day with me! Time is precious the fact you were willing to spend some time with me. Over joys my heart to have you here!

I hope you know I am praying for you always!

If you are on Facebook or Insta 

Follow me on Foot Steps of Grace there!

Until next time< I hope you will be walking in the footsteps of grace with Jesus and me!

Prayerfully  Yours,

~Shellie~

Also if you are interested in seeing more about reborn babies! Here is my insta account and some of my favorites!

once_upon_a_time_nursery

lisalsaunders

for_reborns_by_lexsi

butterflykissnursery

reborn_obessed_simply_blessed

These are just a few of my favorites! Let me know if you check them out and what your thoughts are!